Friday, August 21, 2009

#19 Evolutionary Psychology

Sometimes you hear a guy say, with a certain contrarian alacrity, that he "doesn't like people." That guy may be earnest, he may even be thoughtful, but he is completely full of sh*t. People are the one thing we all really like. People, and the love that they offer, motivate almost every human behavior.

Admittedly it's an instinct wrought with conceptual conflict. As intelligent minds we know none of it, not just human connection but life itself, matters that much. Eventually a comet or meteor or whatever will blow earth and all traces of humanity large and small into dust and smithereens, and the rest will be silence, forever. It'll just be God and grainy Mickey Mouse cartoons, zipping through dark matter at 186,000 miles a sec.

Yet evolution’s inertia presses us on. The ancestral DNA embedded in our chromosomes embedded in our brain cells make us fight to find love and love our hearts out when we find it and despair when we inevitably lose it. Life is, foundationally, pretty simple that way. We work hard, we chase girls and hope for the best.

But sometimes we fail. Sometimes for all our endeavors no one likes us back or, at least, no girls like us, or at least no girls we like like us. Not in THAT way. It happens to us now and it happened to our socially primitive forebears eons ago. The forces of sexual selection are ruthless. But our DNA accounts for this too. Our DNA is wily.

Our DNA's sexual disaster management plan is this: use our elegant and powerful brains to single out and analyze a temporary and totally random fluctuation in our external environment, either a socio-economic aberration or a geo-political quiddity or unforeseeable pop cultural contingency - something, anything, that can be reasonably comprehended, at least from a certain perspective, as a real phenomenon - that could account for why a creature so dashing, so humorous, so virile, so lovely as ourselves, can't get a girl. We rationalize.

It's an amazing cognitive process. The more severe the sexual failure the more creative and trenchant our analysis becomes; we'll stress test the outer limits of logic, countermand foundational rules of social behavior, be rude, be silly, be jejune, hide behind arcane vocabulary. The range of machinations will be as wide as the corn-fed backsides that balding, soft-breasted middle-aged men love to ridicule.

And this makes us feel better. It ameliorates our experience of negative affect. We don't give up. We cope. We struggle on. And our DNA lives to see another day and another chance to hustle its way into the embrace of a winsome lady.


  1. This blog is great. I am from Manhattan and 101% of what you say is true. Guys here are complete social retards, on top of being major sissies. I have never seen such a huge collection of video-game-playing, at home masturbating 30+ dudes.

    But what really is the kicker is the chicks. They are all FUGLY!!! Fat and Ugly. There are no modeling agencies here. No one moves here to get on TV. Or work in fashion. SF only attracts the ugliest of the grad students, lawyers, consultants and of course ugly tech people. All the chicks here are at best a 5 or 6. Most are a 3 or 4. If you don't believe me go to a site like and compare the night life photos from NY and SF (You should do that on this blog BTW).

    Which brings me to the most important question I have for all the ladies in SF. Why do you think/act like you're an 8? Because you went to Stanford? That makes you a nerd, not a hot chicks. Hot chicks graduate from NY's FIT (Fashion Institute of Tech).

    This also explains why you see so many dudes with Asian chicks in SF (such a hot button issue for a supposedly liberal place). They are thinner than your average white chick. I went for a stroll through The Mission the other day and I couldn't believe how many white girls have a beer gut the size of Jack Black! Then they slap on skinny jeans. Attention - that shit ain't cute! You're fat. Stop eating at the Chez Spencer truck, stuffing down as many frogs legs as you can. Go on a diet, get some make-up and stop wearing flip flops if only to make SF a better place for all.

  2. thumbs up for the comment, every night I go out I feel like I'm in the aquarium with so many whales around..

  3. There is a site for that. Was that fish or whales? I am not sure but I agree.

    If there is a pill w/ the opposite effects of viagra, I'll take it. This won't make me horny nor gay but it will make me stop chasing chicks for a long while. This will save me time, money, energy, and will def make me pursue the things I love the most.